Loneliness

I am so so lonely. The silence in the house cuts through me and shakes my foundations. I have no one to talk to, no one to smile at, no one to touch. I have called friends as much as I can without being "the nuisance". Some text replies suggest I have over-burdened friends with my neediness; they will call me at the end of the week. Enough already?

So now I have to endure the hours till the morning broken by irregular sleep and strange dreams. How do other people get through this. How? I am not the first, or the last. What is their secret and how did they survive? Who can I ask? There is no one. The phone is silent and the door bell still.

For 40 years someone has been with me and I have not needed anyone else. Now there is no one else and I have no one. The sudden change is terrifying. Three months have passed now and I thought grief would start to get easier but it feels worse night after night. No promise of a summit I might climb eventually, no light at the edge of my jungle.

I was given C S Lewis “A Grief Observed” and started to read but have not yet managed to get past page 1. His mention of “the empty house” is enough to start the tears sliding form my sore eyes and I cannot read even the next line. Maybe tomorrow it will be easier. Probably not.

Missing Her

I am alone. I have never felt so alone so isolated from the world. She left and with her parting my whole life evaporated like so much dry ice, a life together that can never be repeated. So I cry.

How pathetic have I become. This empty house where the silence reverberates around me. Who am I crying for. For her or for my loneliness. I can’t tell. Or perhaps I can’t face my truth.

I am desperate for company. I sit and wait for the door bell to chime, the phone to ring or even the ping of an email. But no one comes. My friends ring but fewer now and less regularly now three months has past. Yes I am fine, everything is OK. It would be lovely to see them and we will talk of her and all the great times we spent together. And we will look at her photos and smile as we remember how lovely she was, how beautiful, how kind, how loving. And they will go back to their wives and tell them how strong I am. And leave me in my empty house.

I can cope. I watch a comedy on television and laugh. The Iranian woman is hilarious I read the paper and do the crossword but get stuck on 23 down. I play some 60s music but it makes me sad. But I am in control. I am OK. I am managing. And then it is time for bed.

I climb the stairs to the bedroom we shared and try to hide from the silence. But it surrounds me, smothers me. I can’t control it anymore and weep uncontrollably. How do I stop feeling like this. She will never come back and I am alone. I climb beneath the cold sheets and no arm comes across to warm me. No one whispers good night in my ear pr gently kisses me. How can I sleep. Will I ever sleep again?