Loneliness

I am so so lonely. The silence in the house cuts through me and shakes my foundations. I have no one to talk to, no one to smile at, no one to touch. I have called friends as much as I can without being "the nuisance". Some text replies suggest I have over-burdened friends with my neediness; they will call me at the end of the week. Enough already?

So now I have to endure the hours till the morning broken by irregular sleep and strange dreams. How do other people get through this. How? I am not the first, or the last. What is their secret and how did they survive? Who can I ask? There is no one. The phone is silent and the door bell still.

For 40 years someone has been with me and I have not needed anyone else. Now there is no one else and I have no one. The sudden change is terrifying. Three months have passed now and I thought grief would start to get easier but it feels worse night after night. No promise of a summit I might climb eventually, no light at the edge of my jungle.

I was given C S Lewis “A Grief Observed” and started to read but have not yet managed to get past page 1. His mention of “the empty house” is enough to start the tears sliding form my sore eyes and I cannot read even the next line. Maybe tomorrow it will be easier. Probably not.