Missing Her

I am alone. I have never felt so alone so isolated from the world. She left and with her parting my whole life evaporated like so much dry ice, a life together that can never be repeated. So I cry.

How pathetic have I become. This empty house where the silence reverberates around me. Who am I crying for. For her or for my loneliness. I can’t tell. Or perhaps I can’t face my truth.

I am desperate for company. I sit and wait for the door bell to chime, the phone to ring or even the ping of an email. But no one comes. My friends ring but fewer now and less regularly now three months has past. Yes I am fine, everything is OK. It would be lovely to see them and we will talk of her and all the great times we spent together. And we will look at her photos and smile as we remember how lovely she was, how beautiful, how kind, how loving. And they will go back to their wives and tell them how strong I am. And leave me in my empty house.

I can cope. I watch a comedy on television and laugh. The Iranian woman is hilarious I read the paper and do the crossword but get stuck on 23 down. I play some 60s music but it makes me sad. But I am in control. I am OK. I am managing. And then it is time for bed.

I climb the stairs to the bedroom we shared and try to hide from the silence. But it surrounds me, smothers me. I can’t control it anymore and weep uncontrollably. How do I stop feeling like this. She will never come back and I am alone. I climb beneath the cold sheets and no arm comes across to warm me. No one whispers good night in my ear pr gently kisses me. How can I sleep. Will I ever sleep again?